Barbie—Ugh, Whatever

Newsflash: Barbie has always been a marketing ploy.
Image courtesy of Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

If I have to hear one more stupid thing about the "Barbie" Movie,  I'm gonna eat paint chips.  The lead kind.  

It's being praised as a feminist classic.  It's being criticized as a pro LGBTQ  piece. It’s a subtle jab at feminism.  Someone somewhere is probably claiming it’s a Christian film (quick, call Pureflix!).  Someone else is probably calling it misogynistic.  Some influencer somewhere probably thinks it is a pro-life masterpiece.  

In spite of the psycho scene where little girls bash their baby dolls into little pieces while Barbie grins like Jeffrey Dahmer.  Yeah, I guess it’s probably not pro-life.  But in our post-modern world, who can say?  It might be!  

I heard if you print the script out in Hebrew, there’s a code embedded that predicts the end of the world….

Have I told you about my book?  “88 Reasons Why Barbie Was The Antichrist in 1988 And YOU Missed It.”  

Everything about the messaging of Barbie is a great billion dollar mystery excepting the fact that Barbie has been one of the most successful toy stories in the history of toy stories.  The market for the film was already established if someone with a budget could make it.  Like say, for example, I don’t know…Mattel.  

No one will stop talking about Ryan Gosling (who supposedly did a good job as Ken—I don’t know, I didn't watch it).

In fact, I wouldn’t watch this movie unless I was forced to at a government re-education camp with my eyelids taped open.  And even then, I would slam my head repeatedly against a wall until I either passed out or was blissfully concussed.  

I didn’t watch Barbie because I AM A DUDE.  I didn’t play with Barbies when I was a kid unless it was to cram random chemicals from my chemistry set into one to see if I could either melt one or make it explode.  To my disappointment, it’s hard to blow up a plastic Barbie, but it does make an impressive melt.  

Yes, I am GenX.  We were left alone with chemicals.  And MTV when it didn’t suck.

People took their little kids to see it and were SHOCKED (shocked, I tell you) that the PG-13 movie was PG-13 instead of "Barbie and the Nutcracker".  

Others went knowing they would hate it and bragged about hating it while posting selfies in front of the standees in the lobby.  Virtue signaling: check.  

Some people are complaining about the fact they're selling Weird Barbie saying that it's "missing the point of the character." They're missing the point of marketing and how companies make money after a movie.  

Finally, a way to sell toys in post-woke America.  

Newsflash: Barbie has always been a marketing ploy.  She was invented by Ruth Handler who, seeing a gap in the market, came up with Barbie as an alternative to the baby dolls that were popular at the time.  She was also always counter-cultural, so the fact it’s a feminist movie really should surprise exactly no one.  

Or the fact that it’s misogynist.  Or a doctoral thesis on Islamic headcoverings.  Take your pick.  Whatever.  Your guess is as good as any other.

Do you want to read a blog that recognizes this film for what the cultural event it is, a dumpster fire pile of crap?  You’re reading it now.

Do you want to watch a film free of feminist propaganda thinly veiled as feminist propaganda?

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